lost amidst a moralistic society

hmm ..... a good friend of mine told me this- do not let life make love unromantic- over msn ... as i was sharing some personal secrets with her .. and it really woke me .. it enlightened me and taught me to love and not hold back .. it also taught me to brave life and move on!!

those words really came as a beacon for me for it is whats keeping me goign since THAT day ! u kow THAT day .... keekkee ... ya ...hmm...  as all of u close friends know .. well... i am a pessimist .. and i have a hobbesian world view.. therefore, i am very protective of myself in all situations .. .. this protective screen that i put up .. well .. its useful at times.. but i must also acknowledge that  .. when it somes to certain issues like matters of the heart etc etc .. it might actuallt impede the development of a relationship ...so i think its better to live in a bubbl e in which one is cut off from the temptations, distractions, demands and expectations of the outside world ... then it comes to things like that  (ok fine .. some might want to label it "self- delusional" activity)....blah !...hmm ...

kekke ... well .. anyways i would like to thank the person who taught me this .. and say to the person that .. thanks a million and take GREAT care for urself ....loveeeee ya! muacks ...

hmm .. when i post an entry , who is responsible for my writing ? DO i authorize the text ? Does the text authorizes itself? Or the reader authorizes it ?1 Min ago i was just accused of BITCHing / gossiping about my friend's pte life ... hahaha ... i though it is really ridiculous! wahhahah .... considering that this "misunderstanding " happened despite the fact that english is our (mine n his) first lang ... doesnt it tells us somethign about the frality of language, the Saying and THe Said in everyday life? When we engage in the Saying .... we are instantaneously creating history/ The Said ... therafter ... anyone who comes along to decode the said .. is using yet another set of cognitive frame to understand the THe Said ... ... .... and VOILA (thanks Shafaa ) we get a BRAND NEW object as known ... the object as such that i meant.. was... obliterated!! hahaha ...

well.. my point is ... dont worry MR X, i was not talking about Ms Y .. and people .. dont assume that in everyday conversations... we UNDERSTAND eachother .. we DONT .. and we NV will .... the sense that we make out of whatever is articulates or written is a form of assumed- understanding ...

DO u guys Understand what i mean ?? ahhahhaaa

nites!

oh well people ... am feeling heavy and burdened ... dont know why .. i jsut felt so disillusioned after reading some of the comments in todays afternon new paper ... yups .. you are right .. its about the elections ... and ya.. it is about the NKF saga again ..

In a letter to TODAY, 27 April 2006, Mr, Jason Lim wrote in to question the issue of media control in Singapore .. specifically, I am extremely traumatized by his normative assumption about freedom of press in singapore..."if it is true, then why did the Government "allow" The Straits TImes to write about NKF's shortcomings that led tot he lawsuit against SIngapore Press Holdings, and subsequently the disclosure of various issues realting to NKF's management"'

I mean ... 1) allowing things to be published is one thing and publishing the whole truth is another... 2) controlling int his post modern world is no longer (at least in singapore) the coercive.. if u do it i shot u! kind of endeavour .. it is about working on the discursive level, about manipulating your access to the information you need to make an objective decsion on an issue (yes i know some of u out there is going to say .. what is objectivity .. when decisions we make are actually based on 'bounded rationality' but that is not the point here).. 3) more pervasively, all these are sedimented and institutionalized so much in our everyday life that many PEOPLE cant see it .. simply because their cognitive map is already so well indoctrinated with seeing the world in balck and white, bounded by their cultural script 4) and more importantly, if the allegations holds no ground.. why are they reacting so frantically and hysterically towards it .. must everything be settle by a law suit? must every one who disgrees with anothers opinion by 'brought to justice' through the legal system.. where is is the spirit of communicative action? why must the instrumental- sue cos it will be less troublesome- and dramaturgical action- sue and make who ever on the other end look like a fool/ deviant/ knaves and slaves- be taken instead? Can we really not talk things out .. is this first world? or utopian? and  5) the fact that u are not informed about a matter DOES not mean that it nv didnt or will nv exist!!

I dont know . .. am so confused ... what are the different perspectives around it ??? someone out there help me?

 what is happening to this society ...

want to get ur minds more screwed up and ur tears welling and ur heart aching? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eDJ3cuXKV4&search=dear%20mr%20president

lalalalal a... i am the happiest person on earth ! for the past two days .. i have been sleeping till like 4 pm .. ZHEN SHUANG ... ya.. all thanks to my migraine and my cannot- stop- -tearing -eyes... i think i cut my cornea again .. argh .

however, the best news is my exam is tues and its sun today .. wow! surprise surprise!!! lalal a.. argh! and guess what? i just spent 1 hr reading an article BY PIERRE NORA only to realize that .. haha i am suppose to read it from the back .. cos the i-like-to-listen-to-my-own-voice lecturer staple the thing the other way round .. hahaha no wonder everything is incoherent ...

lalal ... whatever... i hate .. this preverse obsession with time, dateline, targets and achievements... i hate the capitalist ethos ! argh ..

ps: who wants to sell me time .. i will but... wahaahhahahhah...

just a word of advice .... ppl ... for gods sake.. when u go to the ching chong ktv hor ... i know .. u are here to show off ur singing talent (or what ever talent u think u have) ... Disclaimer: i am not saying that it is WRONG to think that u are able to perform .. nothing against individual subjectivities .. seriously... am a quali person ... so i value and respect and seek to understand how individuals out there symbollic interact with their environment, make sense of it and express themselves.... HOWEVER... as much as we are independent individuals always, relentlessly exercising our agency (whatever we have la just make do),w e have to understand that we exist within a larger structure (to be taken as culture in here).. what ever it is.. at hm, u haev to live by the norms of the institution of the family, campus, the campus security ..ahhaha ... ok ... and in KTV! there are some tacit knowledge with regards to norms and expectations, that one will have at least TRY not to transgress ...

rule1 ; do not talk LOUDLY when someone else is singing ... have some fucking cow sense to lower ur volume and leave ur 'i was at MOS and these young kids came to pick me up' to later... maybe during the song transition... u have 3 second,,,

2: also NOT sing along VERY VERY LOUDLY (when u are not holding the mic) OVER OVER OVER POWERing the person that is holding the mic...when he/ she is singing ....

3: individualism and self expression is about being unique ... uself, diff r all others... so DONT pretend that u are a supestar when ... erm .. in the ears of every one else except urself ... ur voice seriously far from melodious...

OK i am tired ... sleepy... NADIA abdullah bte mohammad.. u found ur match ... hahahah .. phew... taboleh tahan ah

yes i know i am random .. but am really panickie ... argh argh argh ...... :( and i am hungry ..

:( *crys* laalla whatever, that is the lastest gossip in town ... mr . xxx has been goign hm with ms. yyy ? arh random bye .

ok i am sure u guys gathered that i am either stressed out .. or pissed off again ... yups .. i nv post when all is fine... i am soooo screwed ah ! argh ! 6 days to three papers back to back! help ! :( argh ... whatever.. anyways, thank u hons class for all the memories ..was in the hons class with eugene n lynette .. and suddenly , i felt anomic ... and .. alone... anyways thank u ..my MNO friends .. aunty -the boy, ling- the gap, xiong- the man, shan- the girl, and victor- the one ... hahah whatever al ! argh .. and thank u pencil box friend for brightening 10X up or daysssssss always ... kekekekekekeke .. insider joke .. ops ....

what is motivation? is it an impertus for one to work towards a goal? or is it a goal that one might want to keep sight on? can some one out there enlighten me on this? ok assuuming that it is the impertus .. argh . am confused...or it is a process whereby one will try to psyc oneself up ..."serene you can so it ... and u want to do it"... argh...

argh ... am not only a soul lost admist a moralistic society ... am a soul lost in time... lost sight of the greater and,more precious things in life ... time, as we all know was structured around the cyclical flows of nature ... winter = sleep and make love, summer = swim, spring and authum whatever...time , in this contemporary capitalist society is structured around expectations, around expectations of individuls to meet datelines.. finish this project by 1 and presentation by 2 and close the contract by the 3rd.. why this perverse obsession with time??

argh.... okok i know am not coherent or providing any insight to anything... but my point is ... argh.. whatever...

well .. another ranting ... a form of escapism ... trying do my 5 term papers n two presetations.. the lst hurdle ... i know .. no more exams and term papers ... but still ... hai ...anyway, i was at a dinner with jacky's friend last night ... and was met with this issue of discrimination ... no i was not mistaken as a china women or anything like that .. what i met with wa with the issue of ageism ... what is ageism .. it is a form of discrimination, based on certain charateristic or assumed characteristic of an individuall on the micro level and a collectivity on a aggregate level ... what happened? As u guys knoe, jack is 25 and i am still in my sweet 23 .... as the dinner went on we started to make small talk and the issue of age came up ... and this lady asserted that oh ... i am older than you .. call me jie jie ... erm .. ok ... she is just trying to establish authority and maybe command respect ... my darling jacky played on. ... then .,. she went on .. oh ... u know, make a guess how old my BF is .. and u knew.. he will always have to come down to ur level when ever he interacts with u guys .... hmm.. i was like ...OK ! what just happened? AND AND .. what happened fifteen mins later was classic .... the lady started play the tumb fight game....u know the one that u play when u were in primary school int he name of fun but the motive is to break the other person's (usually the looser in class) finger? ya ... then i was like ... wow .. so much for being older , mellow and superior huh ?

this episode set me thinking about discrimination.... because of discrimination , the individuals rights to be respected as a unique individual with dignity is grossly violated... the person's right to freedom of expression of self and potential is also inhibited ... on this topic of ageism .. it is precisely we think that that young and old are of a less status of respectability because they are infantile and senile respectively that i had to go through that shit .. and the older workers are having problems finding jobs! it is this discrimination that took the form of racism in its radical cloak and thats y colonialism, the holocaust and genocides happened.... it is this essentialistic understanding of the world, depending too pervasively on stereotypes (i am not saying that we or I dont live by stereotypes) that is the objectified perpeturator of the hobbesian world ....

ok ... got to get back to cstells ... argh!

are u going through mid life crisis now? well... i will join u in a while .. currently, i have been really busy with my quarter life crisis .... what the hell is that? chronologically speaking, it is a phase of your life expectancy- around 20- 25... biologically speaking, it is a time where you sex drive is driven by the weather ... and theoretically speaking it does not make sense.. however, subjectively speaking .. it is a phase that is totally traumatic and uncertain .. it is a time where we have to decide what we want to do next .. no more paved way-- pre-school, Ki K2, Pri, Sec, JC or poly or ITE, NUS or the OTHERS -- now, one will have to put one's agency to good use ... which job? what industry? pte or public... on the personal side.. it will be questions of .. am i in a stable realtionship? will i be left on the shelf? am i reaady to be married? do i have the financial capability to get a car, house, shop not only during the great singapore sale. and then will come the MEGA TURBO question of am i ready to settle doen in the next few years... so many questions and no answer.... will i be a good mother ? ... ok .. will i want to get pregnant and loose my figure- whatever i have left.....

ok need to sleep ... ramdom i knoe

well.. ya ... there will come time that we will all slip into out comfy spot and take things for granted... there will come a time that we get churned into the pace of our life... work, studies, family commitment, boyfriends, and what have you...and it is here, precisely at this point that the OTHER will feel neglected and alienated ...and the question that we should raise here is .. why is this happening .. why friendship is not put on par with all the other commitments that are listed above? so .. is friendship really like the old hokkien saying of "di gor liang, di gor zor" or has it got a deeper and more sincere element in it? a friend in need is a friend indeed.. how many friend can put down all that they have and come to us when we are in need? why is a a hierarchy of preferred "relationship to maintain" .. should we instead have every category of relationships on par ... like be treated with the same level of respect and treasure them all ... hmm ... oh well .. hai .. i suppose . . i am silly to be thinking about this ... cos .. no one .. using hobbes as a scape goat, is all that altruistic... well.. life is such ..

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